Beware, Do Not Read These Letters!
by Mira-Jade
Summary: Dear Mr. Andrew Lloyd Webber, And so begins the casts complaints about the 2004 ALW movie. Don't say I didn't warn you. Finally COMPLETE! It's never to late to leave a review!
1. Raoul

**Thanks for clicking :)**

**Title: Beware, Do Not Read These Letters  
Genre: Humor (hopefully)  
Rating: K  
Characters: Everyone**

**Disclaimer: I think we all know that I do not own Phantom of the Opera. I just say I do, until I see the scary looking lawyers glaring at me _sigh _Only the crazy plot is mine.**

**A/N This story idea came to me from no where, I think that I might have been under the influence of Mountain Dew, but I'm not sure anymore. Anyway, I'm insane if you couldn't have guessed that by now. Then again so are you for reading this story. _Laughs_ This is my first story on Fan I had lots of fun writing it, and I hope you guys enjoy reading it. I f you don't then please don't flame me. Although I do appreciate constructive critisism. So read and enjoy!**

**BTW: We're going to pick on Raoul first. No offense to Raoul fans.**

Dear Mr. Andrew Lloyd Weber

Um, well, I guess that I should thank-you for making me the star in your new movie. You know, the triumphant hero who spirits the beautiful, talented, diva away from the clutches of a cruel madman. Yet, I still have a few issues with your musical. Let me explain myself.

First of all, what is with the whole long hair thing? It totally took my manliness level down! What do people think when they see a wimp with long hair, blue eyes, starring in a musical /_Pause/_ I'll let you come up with your own conclusions on that one. If you can't, then feel free to ask any one of the numerous phan girls whom daily try to strangle me! I'm sure that they would love to clue you in.

Next complaint. I'm the hero, but I almost get strangled! Why! Good is supposed to triumph over evil. Not cry while their girlfriend begs the bad guy to spare them! It was hardly even a fight. I was so unbelievably pathetic. /_Author agrees with him, yet keeps typing anyway./_ Even the few Raoul fans out there cringed when they saw that part. "Keep your hand at the level of your eyes." Does that sound familiar? I was warned by Madame Giry and countless others throughout the course of the movie to keep my hand at the level of my eye. Yet, you couldn't even have me follow simple instructions. When I finally put my hand up, I keep it two feet away from where it would do me any good! Blows out a frustrated breath as he prepares to continue.

Next thing: Christine. You know, the beautiful, sweet, innocent girl whom I am engaged to. _/She currently has me wearing a hot pink suit, and fuzzy bunny boots to our wedding. I don't know how I am going to get out of this one without her running straight back to Erik. Although I think even the Phantom would cringe at marrying Christine in that outfit/_ -anyway- She is totally obsessed with the insane masked man! Why was I so crazy about her anyway? I'm rich, handsome, and rich, sweet, and rich, kind, and still very filthy rich! I could have had any girl that I wanted, and yet I settle for little miss fickle. Author thinks that Raoul is incredibly lucky to get any girl, but doesn't say anything Christine, who has the emotional stability of a psychopath. Christine, who fainted at the sight of herself in a wedding dress. Christine, who believed that a masked murderer was an angel! His voice isn't even that good. I can sing better than him. /_Author stops writing as enraged phan girls sneak up behind Raoul with Punjab lassos ready. Author beats them away with a stick. You can't kill him until he finishes the letter/_

_/Author gives up fighting off phan girls, and instead goes to erase the last line./_ In both Susan Kay's and Gaston Leroux"s version of "Phantom" I am described as being incredibly handsome. In the movie shudders I wasn't even close to looking as good as I was described to look. I have long hair. Long blonde hair, bulging eyes, and a receding hairline. /_A/N If anyone has seen a picture of Patrick Wilson, then you will know what I am talking about._/ A huge forehead, and a pointy nose! I'm like the wicked witch of the Opera House. Even the Phantom looks better than me. If you disagree with this statement, then once again, I'm sure the murderous phan girls would love to tell you otherwise. I'll refer you to them.

So please, in the interest of my characters pride, happiness, and safety. /_Raoul looks at the stalking phan girls uneasily./_ I beg you to reshoot the movie.

I remain truly yours,  
The non-wimp, so-not-gay, unbelievably handsome, Vicomte Raoul De Changy

**Did you enjoy? I hope you did. Please leave a review on the way out /_Author sits back and prays for good reviews./_**


	2. Christine

Mail Time!

Thank-you so much to everyone who reviewed. It meant so much to me. To everyone who asked, I will be doing Erik soon, I just have to make his letter perfect! So, for now, here is Christine.

Disclaimer: I still don't own Phantom. I'm working on it though.

**Chapter 2  
Christine**

Dear Mr. Andrew Lloyd Webber

If you would think for one moment that I would have no complaints about everything you put me threw in that horrid excuse of a musical, then you are so wrong. I saw my fiancée writing a letter to express his dissatisfaction, and I thought that for once the Fop had a good idea. Are you surprised at receiving a letter from me? After all, what do I have to complain about? I'm the beautiful, talented young diva, who has her pick of either the gorgeous, mysterious Phantom, or the sweet, caring Raoul. /A/N: Author cringes at writing the last part, yet continues bravely./ Yet, I found tons to complain about.

First item of business. My wardrobe. Have you ever worn a corset? Do you have any idea what it is like to have your stomach squeezed, and pinched to impossible proportions during long hours of shooting? I'm now two sizes smaller due to corsets. Not the healthiest or most comfortable way to loss weight. I should sue. How much did you make off of the movie anyways?

Next complaint. The whole fainting thing. Why? What kind of air-headed, faint hearted, fop loving, bimbo do you take me for? All I saw was myself in a wedding gown. It was a pretty dress. I liked it. I wish Raoul were so accepting about the outfit that I picked out for him. /C/N: He's not too big on the pink suit, but I'm working on him. Although secretly, I think he actually likes it. Author shakes her head in agreement. It's Raoul. You never know. /

Next complaint. My choice of men. What's wrong with me? Why can I not attract a nice smart, handsome, non-obsessive, non-fop, no-temper, no-long-hair, normal guy? Am I that repulsive? First guy: Raoul. He's sweet, but way to fruity for my taste. He's overflowing with fopness. I mean, he's wearing a bow in his hair during Masquerade! My next choice, the over-possessive, way too obsessive, mask wearing, deformed bearing, temperamental, never condensensial Phantom. /A/N: Author apologizes to all fans, and bitterly continues. Even if you don't mean it, it still hurts. / Hmmm, the Fop, or the Murderer. The Fop, or the Murderer. Is there a third choice?

Now, my biggest complaint. How come I am always telling Raoul how scarred I am of the Phantom, and then when I'm around Erik, I am practically drooling over him/C/N: Watches tapes of "The Point of No Return" in disgust./ Sure, I'm terrified. I'm petrified. /C/N: Pauses it on one impressive frame. / Yeah. I'm horrified. You can never have me make up my mind. I must be the most fickle character in literary history.

On a side point, I was thinking about the inscription on my grave. "Beloved wife, and _MOTHER_!" Mother. /A/N: Hears crickets in the background as all of the PhanFans cringe. / I'm going to leave that one alone. There may be kids reading this. Anyway, those are my complaints with the movie. You should defiantly consider reshoting. Or else it may be very dangerous for your health. (Picks up a corset, and brandishes it threateningly. Erik nods in approval. She has learned well.) What's it that Erik used to say . . .oh yeah, NO ONE LIKES A DEBTOR SO IT'S BETTER IF MY ORDERS ARE OBEYED! (Smiles sweetly) Thank-You!

The soon to be countess, very annoyed

Christine Daae

I hope you enjoyed. If you did please leave a review. I'll really appreciate it! ;)


	3. Nadir

Mail time:D

I have another letter for you! I thank everyone for all of your reviews, I really, _really_ appreciate them! An, I just wnted to say, I'm sorry if I insulted any Raoul fans. Although I may not personally like him, I respect your opinions, and hope you will remember that I will be making fun of _everyone._ Not just Raoul. OK, the next letter is from Nadir. Yey! This letter is for GerryPhan! Thanks for the idea!

Disclaimer: I still don't own "Phantom" shocker there.

**Chapter 3  
Nadir Khan**

Dear Mr. Andrew Lloyd Webber

I must say how disappointed I am in your historically inaccurate movie. /A/N: ALW looks in confusion at the name./ What! Are you asking who I am! Are you telling me that you haven't even skimmed through Susan Kay's and Gaston Leroux's novels? Even the most passive Phantom Fan knows who I am. /N/N: Waits impatiently for ALW to recognize him. Crickets chirp in the background. Nadir gives up./ I am the Persian you British idiot! Haven't you ever heard Erik refer to me as the Daroga? I am Nadir Khan and I am very disappointed in your movie.

My biggest complaint as you can guess, is that I'm not even in the movie! Who was there to keep Erik in line in my absence? Who knows what would have happened if I wasn't there to let Erik vent his murderous temper on. By now I am pretty sure that he won't kill me, although that incident with the Torture chamber has my pretty shaken up… Anyway, by now I know how to keep my hand at the level of my eye. Unlike some people I know /N/N: Sidelong glance at the Vicomte./

You actually replaced me! Do you know how much that hurt? Instead Madame-what's-her-name took my place! She was only a box cleaner in the books. A very proud, dingy, always-avoiding-my-questions-about-the-opera-ghost-box cleaner! Allah! I can't stand that woman/A/N: Author thinks that Nadir secretly likes Madame Giry, but won't say anything. His connections to the Khannum, and Erik scare her. /

So many things went wrong in my absence! I mean, you almost killed off the fruity Vicomte/N/N: Reads the end of the book again, and cringes./ Ok, disregard that last line. If I were there though, he would have gotten that poor girl away sooner. Dying in a heated room of mirrors is much more preferable to being strangled. /A/N: Poor Nadir, worrying about Erik for all them years must be finally taking its toll. /

It's impossible dealing with Erik now. He is so upset about the whole movie. I would let him write his complaints, but he is to busy repeatedly strangling a Andrew Lloyd Webber dummy. Let me just say that you made a huge mistake in making his Don Juan Triumphant a public opera. He is most displeased with your significantly inferior musical talents, and demands that you cut the whole thing from the movie. DJT was never made to be heard by public ears/N/N: Nadir tries to keep Kay Phantom, and insane Leroux Phantom away from the letter. If they got a hold of it, then who knows where the story rating might go! Author is too lazy to edit their complaints just yet, so she just holds up a picture of Raoul to scare them away. /

So I beg you to reshoot the movie. Before Erik finds a way to travel through time and strangle you. I must warn you, I am powerless to stop him, and can't really blame him.

Sincerely

Nadir Khan a.k.a. Daroga a.k.a the Persian

OK, if you enjoyed, then please leave a review! Thank you:D


	4. Carlotta

Mail time!

I have another letter! This time I mock the "great" Carlotta Gudecelli. This should be fun. So I hope you enjoy! If you do, then please leave a review! I'd really appreciate it.

Disclaimer: I don't own "Phantom." Yet, I am working on it. So far I have 37 pennies. Hmmm, do think that would buy me at least a little part of the copyright? (someone tells the insane author that that isn't nearly enough) Oh well, dreaming is good, right?

Anyway, here's the letter . . .

**Chapter 4  
Carlotta**

Dear Senor Andrew Lloyd Webber,

Thez movie waz a dizgrace! How dare you inzult zee honor of your Prima Donna! My part in zee movie waz horrible! I waz a complete narrcasistic toad! I hate toads! With a passion. I cannot begin to tell you how upset I am./A/N:Author cringes as the Spanish Soprana bellos in her ears./ Zince I know how eeeager you must be to right this terrible wrong, I provide you with a full list of my complaints.

Uno. Ma voice. Zat is zee zaddest excuse of a leading soprano zat I have eva heard. Ma voice is divine. Like a Angel of Music. Yes. Zat be zee best way to dezcribe it.Yet, ya make me zound ike a ... a ... zere iz not even a word to dezcribe it!Ya muzt be zee worst judge of music zat I have eva zeen! Even zee tone death Vicomte can tell ya I waz terrble! I waz a dizgrace.

After ya completely ruined ma voice, ya further hummiliate me by making me zee zubject of some cruel Phantom joke! I zung zee chandelier down! Of course, weknow who really crash it, but zee audiance waz unaware of zat littlecrucial bit of information! Zey think my voice crash it! I hav neva been zo hummiliated in my liv!

Dos complaint. Ya got an English woman to play zee great Carlotta Gudicelli! Zee world famous Spanish Soprano! Zee leading Zoprano at zee Opera Populair for zee lazt five seasons! Minnie Driver iz not worthy to be mentioned even in same breath. Zhe'z English! Zat alone should be reason not to cast her!Definate no-brainer!

Zee only good thing about Minnie Driver waz her lookz! I know about your unattentional oversite when it came to me bein zo large in zee play.I knowyou muz be waitin for zee perfect moment to appologize.By zee way. I forgive ya! Her beauty waz zee perfect way to make it up to me. Anything beats zat horris cow zat you had playing me in zee brodway version. Now. Zince I know ya must be zooo exited to make zee needed corrections to your muzical, I shall leave you to ya editing. I lok foreward to zeeing zee finished peice.

Zinzerily,

Carlotta Gudicelli

Okay, I know it's my shortest letter. The next one will be longer, I hope.

So leave a review, and I'll update soon! ;D


	5. Erik

Mail time! ;D

I'm here with another insane letter. One you have all been waiting for! (Readers gasp) Could it be! Is it he! You better believe it!

Now I give you Erik . . .

**Chapter 5  
Erik**

Dear Andrew Lloyd Webber

A/N: Andrew Lloyd Webber is shaking with terror as he sees the red ink of the letter. He sees the name and all of his worst fears come true. I finally bring you Erik! Yay! Author tries not to faint as he dictates the letter./ I trust that you are not shocked at receiving my letter, and can very easily guess it's purpose. First, let me say that I was thrilled when I heard that you had finally decided to make my story into a major motion picture. My excitement was greatly reduced upon seeing how severely you butchered, and ruined a classic story and me in particular. I expect you to immediately remedy the situation.

My first complaint. My lair. Ok, your concept was lovely; I loved all of the candles. The organ left much to be desired, you actually made my home into a cave more than anything else. It was insulting to my architectural brilliance. Now, as for the bed . . ./E/N: Erik cocks an eyebrow as if his point should be clear for everyone to see./ A black swan? The Phantom of the Opera, the Living Corpse, the Opera Ghost, Red Death, the Angel of Doom, and I have a _black swan bed_! Does that seem to fit? I mean, anything beats the coffin, and the black funeral candles, but Big Bird! You have to be kidding me.

I mean, if Christine didn't faint at seeing the dummy, then she defiantly would have fainted at the huge bird bed. /E/N: I don't see why she fainted in the first place. I thought it was nice of me to pick out the dress, and the wedding ring. Most women would kill for a fiancée to be involved in the wedding preparations. How would I have been able to get that thing across the lake anyway? It's a monster! It's the most ridicules thing that I have ever seen besides the Vicomte's wedding outfit. /E/N: Don't worry. I have no sympathy for the fop. I would have married Christine in a pink flowed costume if that was what she truly wanted. (sigh) I think we both need to learn how to stand up to her./

Next complaint. Christine, _NO_ woman is worth that much trouble. None. After all the lies I told, all the lives I ruined, after building her career so painstakingly, she still runs off with the Fop! She's so not worth it. I could have found someone else that wouldn't cost me _nearly_ that much effort. /A/N: Author beats back over eager PhanGirls. That really was the wrong thing to say Erik/ She picked Raoul over me. Raoul! That really hurt. The long-haired-faint-of-heart-wimpy-annoying-just-plain-foppish-Vicomte was able to win the heart of my Angel. She chose him! And people say I'm insane! Augh! She makes me want to tear my hair out. The ungrateful little brat/A/N: Sorry, I have to pause. Erik just left to assure the sobbing Christine that he didn't mean any of the nasty, hurtful things that he just said. (rolls eyes) She still has him. Hook, line, and on! Get some guts Erik/

My next issue. The actress you had playing Christine. Ummm. Let me start by saying that Christine has on of the most beautiful voices that I have ever heard. Come on, I trained her. /A/N: Author rolls eyes. A little arrogant aren't we/ Emmy did a good job, but she certainly wasn't the Angel that I'm used to hearing. Your casting insulted her. And the actor that you choose to portray me. . . /A/N: Author notices all of the cringing PhanFans. Don't worry, I'll be nice. Sort of. (Evil laughter starts now)/ The looks where a definite plus. I mean his "deformity" was nothing more than a small sunburn, and a droopy eye. Nothing like the corpse he was supposed to look like. At least he was able to keep his nose. Kay, and Leroux really took it a little to far with the whole n0-nose thing. Although I think that I might prefer being ugly. The amount of Fan Mail I get now is ridicules. /E/N: How did they get the lair's address anyway/ OK, back to Gerik. The voice is good, but with more training it could be so much better. But, Phantom worthy? Not even close. /A/N: Author tries not to cry as she insults Gerik. I feel so traitorous. But it's all in the name of FanFiction. I must bravely go on./ ALW wouldn't have been able to find the perfect voice anyways. The only way he could have found the perfect actor, is if he would of cast me. Yet sadly, the impossibility of time-travel, and the small fact that I would have no control of my urge to strangle ALW make this impossible. So I guess that Gerry will have to do.

Next complaint. /A/N: Author braces herself and puts on ear plugs. She advises her readers to do the same as Erik takes a deep breath./ HOW DARE YOU PREFORM DON JUAN TRIUMPHANT WHEN I DECIDED THAT IT WOULD NEVER BE PREFORMED! EVER, EVER, EVER! I was extremely vexed at that part. Your pitiful rendition of my opera was an insult. The plot was horrid, and the lyrics were dismal to say the least. It was a disgrace! I still taste vile in my throat whenever I think of it! You had better be thankful that time prohibits me from having the immense satisfaction of strangling you.

So, Monsieur Webber. I highly recommend reshotting the movie. Or else it might be very dangerous to everyone's health.

I remain your obedient servant  
O.G

P.S: No on likes a debtor so it's better if my orders are obeyed!

And I finally did it! Yey! So I hope that you all enjoyed, and be sure to leave a review!

Oh yeah, disclaimer- I still don't own Phantom. Only the crazy letters are mine.


	6. Managers

Mail time ;D

WARNING: The next part is written by two people suffering from boredom, and Internet loss.

My school computer is being foppish, like Rau-… I mean. ROB. /A/N: random fan named Rob looks insulted and stops reading. / F/N: Sorry Rob. No offense meant./ I have no Internet connection, and I am too poor to own a computer at home. So anyway, I finally have an update.

**YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ THIS PART. OTHER PEOPLE WITH INSANE FRIENDS WHO STEAL KEYBOARDS WILL UNDERSTAND! You can skip this part, it won't be offended or anything. Only I will.** F/N NOT NICE! IM NOT AN IT! And I don't steal. I permanently borrow. /A/N: Friend is mad at her since she pleaded that she was broke earlier. / F/N: this is mad friend. She lied to me! Says she was broke she did. Hater she is. /A/N: Friend is mad, don't listen to her F/N LISTEN TO ME! A/N Now read the insane letter. Oh yeah, be sure to review. Reviews make me happy. No reviews depress me, and I'll decide not to write ever, ever, ever again! F/N Didn't you get the point at about the second ever? I did. Just so you know, I did take the keyboard. Fo- stupid computer. No Internet. I hate you. /A/N: Stares at friend as she mumbles about having no Internet. Shakes her head and finally gets to the letter. She needs help that only Internet can give. One last thing, if you hate AN's like this, then please don't be mad. I warned you in the bold letters!

Ok, serious stuff now. I'm writing both of the mangers at the same time. It's funnier that way. 

Firmin: Normal lettering  
Andre: Italics

/A/N: Borrows Erik's lasso and tries to strangle Friend while you are reading. She scares author away with a picture of Raoul.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Phantom. I'm saving up the money though. I got .03 cents from robbing the fo- I mean Raoul, but that's it now.

**Chapter 6  
The Managers**

We bring to you, yet, another letter of complaint. Surprised, are you? Or are you perhaps getting the hint that it is time to redo your precious musical. _Come on Firmin! Let me write now! It's no fair that you get to write the whole letter._ Honestly Andre, why don't you just shut-up! Really, I am doing us both a favor by writing the letter. _Insufferable, greedy_- /A/N: Author sees the mad look on Andre's face and hastily points at the PG title. No swearing gentlemen please. The managers glare at each other before settling down to business./

Our first complaint -_My first complaint_- Oh, it's mine as well Andre! Now, will you just lay off/A/N: Andre mumbles something about snooty, always getting the better half partners. Author and Friend listens sympathetically./ As I was saying -We_ where saying_- our first complaint is that the whole movie we were continually being outwitted be a deranged madman! We looked like complete idiots! _Complete fools_. Come on Andre, just let me write! I'm ten times more eloquent when it comes to the written word than you! _Ahh! How dare you_-/A/N: Author glares and comes up with a compromise. Firmin can finish his complaint, and then Andre can write the next one. The managers unhappily agree. Author reminds them that writing an insane letter with her is ten times better then dealing with Carlotta. Managers are happy to cooperate now. Author smiles smugly./

Anyway, as I was saying. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was to be at the every will and whim of a psycho? Do you know what people say when they hear that we where run out of business by a ghost/A/N: Author tries not to laugh as she remembers those conversations./ Let me just say that those results where the furthest from satisfactory! _My turn now_! Hold on just one second you impatient moron! _You've written long enough_! No, I have not! I have plenty more to say on this subject. _Really? Like what_? There is tons I have to say! Like . . .Like . . .Ummm. Augh! Alright, you can write.

_Yippee! My turn! (sticks tongue out at a glaring Firmin) My complaint is . . .is. . . just wait a second. _/A/N: Andre looks at the author for help. She whispers to him what she wants him to write. A look of enlighten crosses his face, and we can move on with the story/ You see, I told you that he couldn't do it/A/N: Author glares at Firmin. Firmin finally shuts up./ _My complaint is that the two actors you had playing us looked absolutely ridicules._ (Andre beams proudly)That! It took all of that thinking just to write that! Oh my goodness, the fop could of done that better! Who's the fop/A/N: Author decides not to answer, that could take way too long/ _Anyway, You made Firmin a giant! He wishes he could be that tall! And the ridicules hair! What was with that? He had a wannabe Elvis look going. _Hey! Look who's talking! I don't know what you call that dead animal on your head, but it certainly wasn't anywhere near a good excuses for a hair do! _Why! You imprudent!- _/A/N: Author breaks in before things get out of control. You both looked lousy. So lets move on now./

My turn again. I'm poor now! I poured all of my money into that cheap Opera House, only to have it burned to the ground by some lovesick maniac! _What do you mean your money? It was our money, remember! _Well it was our money until you stole it all from me! _Stole it! What are you talking about!_ Spare us the drama; we all know that you invented that unbelievable ghost facade just to rob me! _Why, I have never been so insulted! It was you who stole the money from me_! What! How dare you insinuate!(Managers start beating each other up, and the Author sighs. Well, it was fun while it lasted. Okay guys, can you break it up long enough to sign the letter?)

Oh, yeah sure! So reshoot the movie. _As soon as possible!_

Sincerely,  
Andre  
Firmin (They go right back to beating each other up)

**So did you like? Or was it too confusing. Oh well, chaos can be funny. So, if you enjoyed it be sure to review.**


	7. Meg

Mail time!

I finally have a update! Sorry about the wait! I just had my computer turned back on, so the reat of the letters should come more regularly after that. OK Meg is up now. After her we''ll have Madame Giry, then Joseph, then a misc. letter with everyone else in it. So hang in with me!

For this next letter I'm doing Meg. I had a major idea, and my writers block lifted, and this is what you got. I kind of took a risk with this one. But I like it. Even if I might offend some Meg fans. Oh well. Let me just say, I have nothing against Meg, she's actually one of my favorite characters. I. . .well . . .I just couldn't resist . .

Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom. Duh.

**Chapter 7**

**Meg**

Dear Monsieur Webber,

You may not think that I have a lot to complain about. I'm just a stay-out-of-the-way, stand-here-and-be-quiet, am-only-in-the-story-because-my-mother-is-one-of-more-influential-characters, people. Yet still, everyone else is writhing the letter, so why not me? I so totally don't want to be left out. /A/N: Smiles evilly and does her best fake cheerleader impression. "Ugh," . . ."Like so totally!" . . .So totally, so totally, so totally! Ahh, I am so evil. I have to get a life. But not yet, this is way to much fun/

Umm, like, first of all what was up with the way I walked. The spayed feet, penguin shuffle you gave me was rather embarrassing. /A/N: Author tries to explain to her that most Ballerinas walk that way. It's part of the whole Swan Lake package. Meg ignores her, and steps aside to take a phone call from one of her cheerleader friends./ Walking like that so won't get me any popular, and just give others reason to mock me constantly. That so totally wouldn't be cool. That would be like . . .like. . .well, bad.

Then, my wardrobe. That was so far from the Armani style clothes that my character should be wearing wanted to put a whole new spin on Ballet fassion.Yet, what you gave me. Ugh, eww. The two chorus sluts, they had way cooler clothed, and they where just extras.That was so not right! Over sized tutus really get old after a while.When you finally had a divine fashion inspiration during the Masquerade scene, you go and ruin it by chopping the upper half of the dress off!I was so totally flashing everyone! It was sooo embarrassing! I mean the Chorus tart, and her skanky friend complimented me on the way I look!Ewww. I so felt ready to puck. I they liked my dress, that means there was probably way more unwanted attention. Did mom even see that dress before we started shooting? If she did I wouldn't of lasted in that movie very much longer . . .

Ok, next complaint. Every time the Phantom struck, from Hannibal to Il Muto, I'm there to inform everyone. Sounding breathy, and faint. "Oh he's there! The Phantom of the Opera!" A half lucid drunk who is barely paying attention to the movie so could of figured that out without me being there to state the obvious. It was so totally annoying!

So being the Phantom's unofficial spokes girl, and all, I was able to see how badly he jot dumped. You where awful to him. The poor sweetie! Did you make Christine deaf or something? Deaf, and blind. He was so totally hot. Like, I know there's more to live than looks and all, but being Christine's official best friend, and all, I must say, she was feeling a little more than she was actually admitting. She was totally in denial! Yet, the whole best friend thing required me to be supportive, and on hand at the wedding. We're all predicting Raoul to faint from sheer embarrassment. Honestly, I so don't know what Christine was thinking of when she picked out that suit.

One good thing about the movie is I so got Erik's mask! I mean total heartthrob! (Meg hugs the mask tightly, with a dreamy glaze in her eyes.) /A/N: Author notices phan girls sneaking up behind Meg trying to get the mask. Author beats them away, and tried not to give in to the temptation to take it herself. Oh well, imagine how much trouble I would have if she got away with the ring . . ./

So anyway, that being said, I think it's obvious why you should reshoot the movie. I'm so totally looking forward to it!

Sincerely,

Meg Giry

**OK, did you like it dislike it? Be sure to tell me!**


	8. Mme Giry

**Mail time:D**

**I have an update for you. Yay. It's about time. I'm so slow. One of these days you all should just strangle me. . .Don't take that seriously. It was just humor. (Laughs nervously) Put that lasso down! What . . .What are you doing! . . .No . . .Noooo.**

**Author recovers from being strangled, and finally gets to the chapter. Here you go!**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own it. Shocked?**

**Chapter Eight  
Madame Giry**

Dear Monsieur Webber

I know by now you might be weary of all of these complaints. I mean, how many problems can one movie have? Yet still, I bring you my letter hoping that soon you will get the point. Our patience has to run thin eventually. /A/N: Author is distracted by Erik approaching Raoul on the other side of the room. Mme. Giry taps Author with her cane, and points to the computer screen. Author sighs. How come I get the feeling that one of my stern teachers ids dictating to me? I can't even see Erik try to strangle Raoul again. No fun. No fun at all. Random fan thankfully takes pity on the author, and videotapes the latest showdown. Author passes it to all of her readers./

My first complaint ,monsieur, is my actions at the end of the movie. I went threw all of that trouble with the gypsies to save him in the first place, then I deliver every one of his letters, then I even let him masquerade as Christine's Angel of Music, yet I can't trust him even a little bi, and wind up dragging the Vicomte all the way down to his lair. I even tried to make things harder on him by telling him to keep his hand up so he doesn't get killed. Of course, we all know how well taken that advice was. Still, my actions where sickening. It's disgraceful. I demand that be the first thing you change.

Now then, my next complaint is your choice of wardrobe for my daughter. From Hannibal to the Masquerade. It was horrifying. The Hannibal costume I can be a little lenient on, it was part of the whole Ballerina deal, but the Masquerade outfit, that was completely unnecessary. Now I know why everyone was acting so strange when we shot that part. And how Meg mysteriously vanished right until her cue . . .Anyway, a mother's righteous indignation is not something to take lightly. Be afraid Andrew Lloyd Webber. Be very afraid./A/N: Author gulps. Foreseeing violence that may be very damaging to her story's rating. Um . . .umm . . .Ah-ha! (idea strikes her as she waves her hand.) You will fix Meg's wardrobe. (Waves hand again.) You will fix Meg's wardrobe. (Nothing happens. Author sighs.) Oh well I guess that it only works when you are a Jedi. Ah, mind tricks. Reason number 91,234,735,987,459 that I should be a Jedi./

On a happier, and less violent note, what about changing my wardrobe?I know that I am still in mourning, and I have a stern no-nonsense reputation to uphold, but come on! Why not throw in some dark grays, or depressing shades of blue?You know, change it up a bit. I'm sure that the audience would appreciate the color relief. /A/N: I personally like black. Black is my favorite color. (Mme. Giry hits author in the head with her cane for disagreeing with her. Ow! Okay! Okay! Other colors are cool! Mme. Giry turns away to yell something at Meg. Author mumbles something about black being the best, and if you don't believe her, then just look at Erik . . ./

So since I know that you are so eager to deal with me in person . . .(ALW cowers in fear, and frantically shakes his head. No! Anything but that! Erik I can deal with! But I refuse to deal with enraged mothers. I refuse! I refuse! I refuse!) So now I look forward to seeing the revised edition.

Sincerely,  
Madame Antoinette Giry

**So did you like it? Well, I hope you did. So now review! Good, or bad I don't really care. Although I prefer good . . .**


	9. Joseph

**I have an update, yay!**

**Sadly this is the second to last letter. After Joseph I will squeeze everyone that I haven't done previously into one huge letter. Unless you really want me to post everyone one paragraph at a time . . . But no, that would get ridiculous.**

**Also, humor me on this one, what if I did a sequel where ALW actually replies to all of these letters? Would you be interested in reading that?**

**Anyway, here is the story . . .**

**Chapter Nine  
Joseph**

I know that I am a relatively minor character. yet, when I saw my colleges writing to express their displeasure, I thought that I would write one to. That is, if you don't mind reading it of course./A/N: Poor Joseph, he's suffering from badly written, over abused, minor character disorder. It's so common now that I fear that it is becoming an epidemic. Ah, but now I'll stop rambling, and get on with the story./

As you may of imagined, that is, if you have ever taken time to consider it, I do have a few things that I would like to complain about. First, as you may have guessed, the way my character was portrayed. May I quot from Gaston leroux's novel, "This chief scene-shifter (That would be Joseph BTW! I say this mainly for ALW information. You, my wonderful readers are much more smarter than he. Like you would know better than to set POTO in 1870 when Paris was under siege, and the events of our wonderful little movie never could have happened. . .argh! . . .I really shouldn't get started on that, I'll get weay to off subject. Kind of like I am now. Author hits herself, stop rambling! Ok, back to the story) Again, for everyone who forgot what sentence I started in the first place. "This chief scene-shifter was a serious, sober, steady man,very slow at imagining things."(Phantom of the Opera, Barnes&Nobel edition, page 33) Umm, Ok, lets break this down now, shall we? 'Chief Scene-Shifter,' Yes, yes, you got that part just fine. 'Serious.' Serious, not roping chorus girls with 'magical lassos.' Ugh. You are trying to make people disgusted with me. The Phantom could of strangled me just for that.'Sober.' sober, not tilting back a bottle every time I think that the camera is turned.'Steady man.' Steady man, not the grumpy, disheveled, foul smelling, horrible Rumpelstiltskin that you made me into. BTW, I do own a bar of soap. Contrary to popular Phan opinion .Last, 'slow at imagining things.' Slow at imagining things, besides all of the ghost tales, I really am quite sane. Very lucid. People don't think that I am nuts. They don't! It's not my fault that I am written as a terrible gossip.

There is one thing that I am thankful for. /A/N: What! Wait! That doesn't fit. These are letters of complaint! Author desperately rumages threw her notes. I must have missed something! All the papers fall and she groans. I'll get this all straightened out. Don't panic. Just keep reading. Slowly though. Carefully, this is a very fragile situation./ You waited to kill half way threw the movie instead of in the first chapter. I really appreciate it. One problem though./A/N: Author breathes a sigh of relief. Now we are talking/ MY DEATH WAS COMPLETELY POINTLESS! Why! It didn't do anything to further the plot of the story. I didn't do anything but spread rumors. Even the Phantom needs more motive then that to Punjab me! He didn't even kill me in Leroux's version.I tried to break in to the lair, and got caught in the torture chamber. All my fault. I accept the consequences. He may be guilty by extension, but still. You get my point. Me being garroted only led to the Fop Song. Everyone loved that. All around, a pointless inglorious death.

Now since you have taken time to read my letter, maybe you can actually follow threw, and make some changes. You never know. Maybe I can be the hero?(Author glares)OK maybe not the hero. But you get my point.

Sincerely Joseph

**There you go! Now review. Pretty, pretty please!**


	10. Everyone Else

**Mail Time!**

**Oh, It's finally here, the last chapter. Sadness.**

**I really enjoyed writing this, it was my first attempt at PhantomPhiction, and I was amazed at the responses that I got. Well, I hope that this story at least made you smile, and remember, it's not to late to leave a review at the end. Tell me what you thought. Good, or bad, I'm open to everything.**

**This letter has a little bit of everything in it, everyone I forgot is here, so you'll actually have alonger post to read. Shocked?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom. Surprised? Stunned? Yeah, me to.**

**Chapter Ten  
Everyone I Didn't Do Yet**

**Piangi  
**Your movie severely depressed me. I enjoyed not being mentioned in the books. I was spared the host of problems that other characters have been forced to endure. /A/N: Author has to pause as Nadir grumbles something like "At least you were in the movie. You overweight, ungrateful . . . Author blushes and decides not to write the rest of the comment./ My complaints are actually rather obvious. First of all, I was strangled for a girl. A girl! All he had to do was ask. I gladly would have given up my part. Carlotta was already furious with me for singing a . . . well, how should I put this . . . such a well, racy piece with a girl who is still a minor by American standards. I'm surprised that Carlotta didn't strangle me first. A word of advice, do not anger, huge-egoed, over-possessive, moody, Spanish/Italian women. /A/N: I thought she was Spanish, but reviewers think she is Italian. She did talk in Italian in the movie . . . Argh! Brain pain! I have no idea. Use whatever nationality you prefer. Hey. You can make her Canadian, or even German. Whatever floats your boat. Laughs at the mental image of Carlotta talking in Japaneses./ So please monsieur, in the interest of my continued health, and preferred anonymity, please reshot the movie.

**Nadir(And Friends)  
**Yes, again, I am back. It is time for you to realize how many people you forgot in your severely butchered, and ruined movie. Yes, I'm back and I bring reinforcements! Every person who has had their place in Phantom lore for almost 100 years, only to be cast heartlessly aside when you so disgustingly twist, and warp a time hardened movie!  
**Comte Phillipe de Chagny:** You forgot about me! Raoul was lost without me! I was basically a father to him. I never would have let him get involved with that little Chorus twit, and none of this would have happened. Honestly man, what where you thinking when you wrote this movie!  
**Sorelleti:** Another fan angered by Madame Giry. She took my job! She was never Ballet Mistress before, that was me!  
**Jammes: **I danced ten times better than Meg. I can also say, "He's there, the Phantom of The Opera!" Just as good! Ar**gh.  
Darius:** Obviously since Nadir was never in the story, that means that I'm not either. my few precious lines. They're gone!

**Random Stagehand #1  
**I wanted the mask!

**Ballet Tart #1  
**The Phantom should have haunted my mirror. I am much less indecisive./A/N: Author rolls eyes./

**Reyer (conductor)  
**You must really hate me. All I have is stress. You see all of the gray hair? Yes. It is all premature, thank you very much. I've been here. Manager, after manager. Diva after Diva. Opera after Opera. From Hannibal to Il Muto, to Don Juan Triumphant. I'm not appreciated. If it were up to me, we'd be doing silent features. Just music. The way it should be. No Carlotta screeching, no letters, no bossy managers, just music. Yet, that will never happen, so I officially quit. I refuse to be put threw all of this on screen. There for me to watch over, and over, and over again. (Twitch)

**M Leferve (former manager)  
**My name is supposed to be M Poligny, and I'm supposed to have a partner. But whatever. I got out of there! Ha ha. I kept my money, my sanity, my pride. /A/N: Even though a ghost ran you out of business. Yep. You have lots of dignity left./ Ha ha Suckers

**Random Stagehand #2  
**Carlotta hit me with her dress! No one cared! Then she said that is was my fault! Argh.

**Ballet tart #2  
**Poor Raoul, he should have proposed to me. I'd never fall for a masked freak. ?A/N: Author turns green, and buries her head in the bucket that she keeps next to the computer. Eww, ewwww. You read on, I'll be just fine. Somehow . . ./

**Leroux Erik  
**/A/N: Why are you looking at the computer like that? I had too. You know you wanted to read tis. ;0/ NOT INSANE! You made Erik insane! . . .(Twitch, twitch.) . . .INSANE! . . . I no strangle Vicomte. I tried to fry him in a room of mirrors! Obviously a not insane course of action. (Leroux Erik looks around at all of the weird looks he is getting.) I am the sane originally Erik! I command you all to stop looking at me like I'm insane! . . .(Twitch) . . . First, Christine no brunette, she blond! (Voice quiets.) Blonde hair, blue eyes . . . And married! Pull yourself together man! You are not insane/A/N: Author pats Leroux Erik on the back, and almost gets strangled for the physical contact. Yikes, man. Temper/

**Kay Erik  
**/A/N: I did Leroux Erik, so I had to do Kay Erik also! You are all looking at me like that! Stop! (Quoting Leroux Erik) I'm not insane/ YOU PUBLISHED MY OPERA! Bad, evil, you weren't supposed to do that. Argh! (KE takes a deep breath, and strangles a ALW dummy to calm his nerves) It was pointless, the plot was mundane, and the music scared people! My music is not scary?A/N: Author watches him play Dracula-like music on the giant organ. Whatever you say. KE looks at Author weirdly. (sigh) I know! You aren't insane./

**Silent Film Erik:  
**(SFE waves hands, and Author is at a loss at how to interpret. Something about color, and sound. Oh well, I guess we will never know.)

**Fin**

**So that's it people! I don't think that I missed anyone, but if I did, tell me in your review, and I'll edit this post! So thank-you to anyone who ever reviewed. (tries not to cry.) I appreciated every single one of them.**

**If you find yourself bored, and lack anything better to do, go check out my other fic, _His Date With The Phantom's Daughter_. The tittle is pretty self explainitory. And I actually like it's progress so far. That, and there will be a sequel to this story. So look out for _Beware Do Not Read These Replies_. Coming to you soon!**

**MJ**

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